butterflyexpressdesign || ryoko hirosue

I got my first computer in 1999. Surfing the internet back then, took a little longer with a dial-up connection than it does now with a cable modem. One day, I was looking around for information/websites about a jpop (japanese pop music) girl group called SPEED (the reigning jpop girl group of the 1990's). All of a sudden, I saw a picture of this girl on some generalized jpop site, and was immediately stricken by a type of beauty that cannot be described accurately in any kind of language. Such was the impact of this beauty (especially her eyes, and the little upwards curve of the corners of her mouth), that I was desperate for anything and everything that I could find in regards to her. I managed to find quite a bit, including some mp3's of her music, some PV's (promotion videos, aka 'music videos'), and some CM's (commercials) of hers. I just fell deeper and deeper in love with each new picture, song, commercial, and video that I could find.

My skills as a 'graphic designer/digital artist' were beginning to develop, and one of the several english RH fansites that I came across, had some really basic/plain wallpapers on it. I emailed the webmaster of the site, told him that I loved RH, and wanted to make some wallpapers for his site. The first one that I made (which is in the gallery section -- Ryoko Hirosue wallpapers page 1 -- started it all, and set off a string of highly artistic, visually stunning creations, based around this incredible woman.

Over the years, my impressive collection of RH goods has grown, as does my undying love for her. Even though she was married and has a child, I will always place her above all others in this world. I can go on and on, but in reality, there are no words that can really describe what I feel for her. There are no words that can really describe how beautiful she is. There are no words that can really describe the impact she has had on my life, and it's pointless and futile to try. There is nobody like her, and there never will be.

My Collection

-Nearly 4000 jpegs

-All her PV's, at least 95% of her CM's, and at least 80% of her live's

-2000-2004 calendars (plus jpegs of 2005 calendar)

-a CDR that includes a ripped copy of "Making Of RH"

-VCD set of "Poppoya-Railroad Man"

-DVD of "Poppoya-Railroad Man" (HK version)

-VCD set of "Himitsu-The Secret"

-DVD of "Himitsu-The Secret" (HK version)

-DVD of "Himitsu-The Secret" (Korean version)

-VHS of "The Making of 20th Century Nostalgia"

-DVD of "Wasabi" (HK version)

-DVD of "Collage of Our Life" (HK version)

-DVD of "Collage of Our Life" (JP version)

-DVD of "Collage of Our Life" (Korean version)

-DVD of "Hana and Alice" (2-disc version)

-Winter Gift '98 (VHS+CD set)

-RH Debut Tour 1999 (VHS+CD set)

-DVD that includes Winter Gift'98 and RH Debut Tour 1999

-DVD of New York RH Avenue 2003

-VCD set of "Beach Boys" (HK version)

-AVI's of "Lipstick" on CDR

-VCD set of "Summer Snow" (CDR's)

-VCD set of "Shotgun Marriage" (HK version)

-VCD set of "Oyaji" (CDR's)

-VCD set of "Otousan" (CDR's)

-"Nova Stelo-ryoko hirosue en "20th jarcenta nostalgia" " CD-ROM

-3" CD of "Wind Prism" (single)

-3" CD of "Summer Sunset" (single)

-3" CD of "Maji de Koisuru 5 byo-mae" (single)

-CD of "Ashita he" (single)

-CD of "Fruit" (single)

-CD of "Arigato" (album)

-CD of "Private" (album)

-CD of "RH Remix" (album)

-CD of "RH Singles &..." (album)

-CD set (3disc) of "Perfect Collection"

-CD of "20th Century Nostalgia" soundtrack

-CD of "Lipstick" soundtrack

-CDR of "Himitsu" soundtrack

-CD of "Wasabi" soundtrack

-Kirin Lager Beer exercise mat

-Bomb magazine #196

-Bomb magazine #203

-Bomb magazine #236

-TV Guide 2003 7.5-7.11

-Monthly UP magazine 1998 6/25

-"No Make" photobook

-"Wasabi" promo booklet

-"Wasabi" photobook

-"20th Century Nostalgia" photobook

-"Making of 20th Century Nostalgia" photobook

-"Teens 1996-2000" photobook

-"R-Running" photobook

-"H-Hopping" photobook

-"New York RH Avenue 2003" photobook

-"CF Special" photobook

-"RH Debut Tour 1999" photobook

-"Relax" photobook

-"Happy 20th Birthday" photobook

-"Le Secret" photobook (from the movie 'Himitsu-The Secret')

-Nonno magazine 1998 6/5

The Marriage Rant

In December 2003, I found out that Ryoko was pregnant, and engaged to be married. On Dec. 17th, in the Jdorama.com forum, I posted my irrational and emotional reaction to the news, while it was fresh in my mind and my heart. This is a very rare display of emotion for me, so I thought it would be fitting to include it here. Let the healing process begin!

{.....What the heck is going on??????? I can't believe it *mad* .. I.. I... I don't know what to say. I don't know how to express the feelings I'm having right now., much less put them acurately into words...I shall try though... (futile, I know)

I'm stunned, truly stunned!!!!! I don't know what to do now... what''s the point of going on? Really, what is the point?? I've invested 4 years of my life into this woman (I realize some have invested more, some less. Depending on when you discovered her...). We all know we won't ever be with her, we know she'll never know us personally, we get that.. we accept that part of it, and knew what we were getting ourselves into after that first little while.....And then we become entranced by that smile, and those eyes, and we realize that there in nobody better in this world, nobody.... we don't even have to see all the others because we know it would be pointless...

We cherish this woman!! We would do anything for her, even though we don't really know her, other than what we see and hear on the screen and printed page. Our lives revolve around her, from checking Torisan's site daily for new pics, to blowing money on dorama dvd's from Japan with no eng. subs on them (I haven't gone THAT extreme yet, though I'm sure others have). Any female aquaintance in our lives are instantly compared to RH, to see if they measure up to the ideals that we have in our heads of her.... Is this girl as pretty as Ryoko? Is that girl as nice as Ryoko? Does this girl make me feel the same as I do about Ryoko, or not as much (because it could never be 'more' than Ryoko...)? These are questions we constantly ask ourselves everyday as we live our lives!

We tailor our spending to be able to afford that new photobook or VCD. Some of us (myself included) tell very few people about our love for Ryoko and what she means to us, because we know that even if we COULD find all the right words to describe the depth of our devotion and feeling for her (which simply isn't possible by the way, in case someone is brave enough to try), that person simply wouldn't get it! They would think that either we're crazy, or worse!... and afterwards, when we offer to lend them our copy of the "No Make" book or 'Wasabi' dvd, they try to politely say 'no thanks' because we're breathing heavy and foaming at the mouth from the exitement of just thinking about touching those precious Hirosue items for the 1000th time that day (or 2000th, depending on how hardcore you are).

Ahh. heck.... as I type, the pain starts to subside ever so slowly, the burden of being in this position is getting a tiny bit lighter....BUT, tonight when I go to sleep, even though I can never be with Ryoko, even though she will never know me, or see me, or get an opportunity to talk to me, ... and even though I love her with all my heart and truly want her to be happy, I'm going to cry myself to sleep. I might do the same tomorrow, maybe the day after that too (or not, I dunno). I guess I'll keep doing it till the pain subsides enough that I won't have to do it anymore.... that's it *shakes head*

I hope I've helped other Ryoko Hirosue fans (hardcore fans, casual ones, and everything inbetween). I hope I was able to be a voice for what you all feel inside. I'm sorry for the long post, but any RH fan will tell you that it was necessary. As I look out my window, I can't see the moon shining tonight. I guess that's appropriate.... as the bright light in my heart that shines for Ryoko, has grown dim...for now.....Just keep crying till it doesn't hurt anymore, that's what I'm gonna do!}